Breathing

I have a close friend who had surgery on one of his lungs due to it collapsing. After he was released from the hospital I would often ask him how he was breathing that day. I was walking home from the Metro the other day, a bit stressed, and lost in thought, and decided I just needed to take some time to stop and breathe. Breathe it all in. Breathe it all out. I remembered a talk I had watched that talked about how life and about breathing. The speaker said that our breathing teaches us how to live. Take it all in and then give it all back. Breathe it all in. Breathe it all out. I find that to be a really beautiful truth. I realized that I had been asking the wrong person that question. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him that question as frequently has I should have asked myself that. How are you breathing today? Or how are you living today? Am I taking it all in and then giving it all back?

I believe spheres of influence can definitely be felt. When a person has a strong light, a strong purpose, their influence is greater and you can physically feel it when you are in certain proximity to them.

Little Red and the Sleeping Beaut

So I've watched the same two Chinese versions of Little Red Riding Hood and Sleeping Beauty about 6 times or more each this past week (not completely by choice: it happens when you teach a Chinese 6 year old English). I've learned quite a few life lessons as well as some Chinese (subtitles) from those shows and I actually look forward to watching them each time so I can be reminded of what I learn. At one point in Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red comes upon a bird on her way to Grandma's. The bird is injured so, naturally, she mends the wing with raspberry jam. She tells the bird he's better and to fly, but he can't. She comes to the conclusion that it's not his wing at all (maybe at this point it's the jam), but his head that is keeping him from flying. She tells him that when he's afraid of something he should learn not to be afraid of it and face it and overcome it. Later, after the wolf almost ate her and Grandma, the narrator reviews the lessons Red learned; one being that we should always be on the lookout for people pretending to be something they're not. I thought that was interesting. Should Little Red be on the lookout for me?
Sleeping Beauty starts out with a song talking about love. Some paths are paved with gold, some are curved and narrow, some are hard to find, some are straight as arrows. When it feels like true love, it's getting much too hard to find...Something to that effect. Because I usually watch the two movies consecutively I linked some ideas: People pretend to be something they're not, our heads keep us from flying, and true love is getting too hard to find; Food for thought. We know the story of Sleeping Beauty: she pricks her finger and falls into a deep sleep and a Prince comes to rescue her. I can't quite remember the other versions, but in this version the Prince has to cross a bottomless pit, defeat a giant without falling into the pit, overcome thorns around a castle, scare away bats, stop his heart from turning to stone due to an evil fairy, and kiss the princess. He, of course, has been dreaming about the princess since he was a boy and so that's why he's there in the first place. Overcomes the pit with pure intellect. Overcomes the giant with advice from the fairy's voice and what he remembers from his dreams during his childhood. Overcomes the bats with fire that is already in the castle. Overcomes the stone by using his own strength/love as well as the fairy (the voice) herself. And then of course he uses his own free will to kiss the princess. And they live happily ever after.

So maybe I haven't finished connecting everything yet, but I think what I took from these movies are this: it helps to have a dream and it helps to be aware of your surroundings. It helps to listen to the voice inside you, and have a strong will. It helps to not let your mind make you afraid (this also reminded me of a TED talk I watched find the link here), and it helps to be real and not pretend to be something else.
Do I do/have those things? And do I have a goal where I search my whole life to find and obtain it? Do I even have a goal of finding someone who doesn't just make me happy forever because I'm with them and because I just sat and waited my whole life for them and now I'm just glad to not be alone, but who I would give anything and everything for: my own life if necessary, who I would search for and prepare my whole life for? And that's what makes me happy is being there for them right when they needed it - to help them wake up - and to serve them and be by their side forever.
Definitely some spiritual and temporal parallels I'd say.
Hmm...I never knew I could learn so much from some Chinese/English classic children's stories and slightly cheesy ones at that and maybe I took it too far haha, but I have a lot of thinking to do when my only friend is 6 year old who doesn't know English and I don't know Chinese.

You know I think I fear never finding love, but I think sometimes I fear more that I'll find it and then I won't know what to do and I'll pass it up. I think it's human to have fears about love. Either way, I think the only way to overcome this fear is start searching for love and making a plan for it...and then I'll work on the latter problem when I find it.

Be Here Now

I was reminded of the importance of living in the moment and being where you are when you are there. I have recently deeply hurt people because I get so worried about being other places and getting to those places while I should instead be with them. Most of that is poor planning on my part and selfishness, but I was grateful that my mother called it to my attention. I hadn't realized how much I had hurt her because of the mindsets I get in when I am at home. If I'm at home, I need to be home. If I'm at school, I need to be at school. If I plan something with a person, I need to be with them; not thinking about what I should or shouldn't be doing in that moment. Not every moment can be perfectly planned for, but time can be planned out enough that credit can be given where credit is due, and time dedicated to specific things allowing for less stress later when emergencies and beautiful spontaneity comes up. I think that's part of being honest. I feared that I wouldn't get the important things done; instead I missed out on the most important thing: Spending quality time with people that I love. To overcome that fear I need to plan more precisely and then not stress when things don't go as planned. Plan ahead to eliminate fear, but live in the moment, especially with the people I love.

Simple things

It's nice to enjoy the simple things in life. Like duets on the piano, laughter of your best friend, a trail run when you're not in shape, a beautiful sunset, good conversation, watermelon with cream, and taking out the recycling. Mhmmm.
Ya know, there's still a lot I don't know about life. I don't know what I'm passionate about yet, I don't know what I think about a lot of things, but I'm getting there. And I think that's important: I'm trying to get somewhere.
I will say, though, that I am grateful for the souls that are in my life currently (either physical or in current memory). They're full of light and joy and they're an inspiration to me. People are beautiful.  All sorts. I learn so much from them and I forget that people will always make my life meaningful and productive if I take time to listen and look.
My mind and body are connected today. No kite today. What a relief.
Today I feared people would encroach on my limited time. Today I realized that it's possible to take even 15 minutes for a person and it will make the world of difference. Today I feared I wouldn't be able to keep up on a run or it would be embarrassing. Today I realized that I need to start somewhere and that it takes hard work and discipline to get where I want to go, but also that people are good and kind; sometimes it's the presence of a person that is needed more than a fast pace.

Lentil Soup

It rained today. I had my purple jacket on again, but this time I had my hood up. It blocked my peripheral vision. I tried to see how the rain made things brighter. I waited to receive something, some light; I kept my hood up.
I burned some lentil stew. I'm in the library and I smell like it.
She is mad at me, now. And I know why. I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on finals anymore. So that's why I left and walked up to the library. It was speedy. I don't stretch anymore so my legs started to tighten going up the hill. I'd do yoga, but then I would see her and she would be more mad, and I have finals.
As I all but ran into the library, I realized that half of me was ahead of myself again like when it rained last time. My mind was screaming: stop, slow down, wait a sec.
I walked into the library.
I turned around and walked back out.
My mind was far ahead of my body again, but it was turning around to tell my body to slow down and stop. Maybe I'd get further if I tried to reel it in instead of chase it this time.
I walked into the square between the sky lights above the library. I stepped in every puddle. The raindrops formed little tear drops, little balls of light hanging off the benches. I wanted to sit, but I didn't want my bum to be wet. The steps behind me died off and held back. I was happy. I didn't want him there right then. I needed space and breathing room.
I appreciated he recognized it.
The light reminded me of the mountains in the winter: when the sun shone through the helicopter whirly-birds in the trees. But, those are memories for another time. Well, no; they'll probably just stay as memories. But they were definitely a time of enlightenment. Either way I guess the rain brought light again, just different than what I thought I needed. This time it reflected movement and the absence and importance of that absence as well.
I tried to listen to each puddle as I stepped. Breathe it all in. Breathe it all out. I realized the birds were singing. I stopped.  They were coming from behind me on the left. Breathe it all in. Breathe it all out.
I looked at the red and green of the bushes in front of me. Breath it all in. Breathe it all out. I looked at the distorted cloud reflections in the tall windows. Breathe it all in. There was snow in the mountains to the right. Out.
Listen. In. Look. Out.
In.
Out.
My mind's not quite back, but it's not shuddering in the wind and churning in the air. In. I have the string, the kite is in sight, my feet are grounded, out, the string is tight and I'm controlling the movement better and I'm more aware of the wind.
I'm ready. Steps fall back in line with mine In. But I still smell like burned lentil soup. Out.
I open the door to the library. In. Questions come. Out. I wrap my string up. In.
Where do you put a kite? Breathe it all out.
It's ok; I don't need it inside.

and what is this for?

I haven't written for awhile. Nothing you don't already know, but really it is something  you don't know because you don't read my blog. Then again, I don't really know who you are either. I was thinking about this blog the other day and I thought of some of the things I wrote, and oh boy how cliche and embarrassing! Nevertheless, it was part of my life even if I gag thinking about it now. I didn't know what I wanted this blog to be about for awhile, it was about fear and sharing things I think, then it became like a journal, then it was trying to force the world to see how great I thought my life was, then about a breakup I think and then a lame attempt at a food blog...of course that was only one haha. If I'm going to keep writing I need to have a purpose in writing though, not this rollercoaster of whatever this blog has been. I can be honest still if I have a purpose for this blog. I most likely will be more honest, I think. Well, my blog title is we grow. We grow what? A garden? We grow up? We grow fond of each other? We grow bitter? We grow together? We grow towards the sun? We grow old?  I'm not really sure maybe D) all of the above. I said I love being barefoot, but now I find any excuse to wear shoes. I like good and plenty candy: now that is still true, but I can't tell you the last time I ate it. Actually I can and it was at home a month ago and then I was mad about it because I had been trying to cut out sugar. I'm going to start letting go of the fear inside of me and this blog will help hopefully help me document it. Speaking of documenting, I love watching documentaries. I rarely watch them now, but can I suggest Wild China? I'm obsessed. and I think life is dang good. I don't know if I think life is dang good. At least the way I used to, but I do think it is good. I know I would be selfish and ungrateful if I didn't say it was good. And the more I think about it I think it's fair to say my life is dang good, but sometimes I even need convincing or reminding of that.
I skipped one.
I'm going to start letting go of the fear inside of me. I go through phases where I don't really even feel. I try to avoid feeling actually. So I need to start feeling again so I can let go of the fear inside of me.

Buddha believed that all forms of life experience suffering. The cause of suffering is attachment. To end suffering all attachments must be severed. You achieve non-attachment by following the 8 fold or middle path. Enlightenment is self discipline, meditation, and careful cutting off of attachments.
I think the key here is careful cutting off of attachments. In an attempt of self-preservation, I cut off any attachment:I cut off feeling. I think this is where the self discipline comes in: C.S. Lewis said that "without the aid of trained emotions the intellect is powerless..."
Wassily Kandinsky, the Russian artist, talks about the intellect and about songs in our souls. He first speaks of the songs:
"It fills us with surprise. We marvel at it. We would continue to hear it. But few are capable of holding themselves in the state listening to their own song. Intellectuality steps in and as the song within us is of the utmost sensitiveness, it retires in the presence of the cold, material intellect…Yet we live in the memory of these songs…They are the pinnacles of our experience and it is the desire to express these intimate sensations, this song from within…"
Living only within the intellect entails suffering as well. So I need to carefully cut off attachment to intellect and attachment to emotion and find the balance between the two.
I will still suffer, but "Passion: that which I suffer, allow, endure, to me is done." I will be alright. When I feel, I will fear, but I can overcome my fears through facing them. Facing my fears will make me suffer to some degree; however, I think that is how I learn to detach myself from them ultimately.

Brighter

A friend once told me that eyes were a window to a person’s soul. I hadn't really believed him because I had never seen that for myself. At a bicycle collective downtown, he had asked me what I thought of the red-bearded man, the one who talked to us about building fixies from old bike frames. I told him I thought he had pretty blue eyes and seemed nice enough.

“I know he’s a good man.”

“How do you know that?”

“Well, you saw his eyes didn't you?”

“Yes,” I replied, “they were pretty; they were blue.”

“Then you should've seen he was a good man if you looked at his eyes.”

I only saw the color.

It was another week later when I met my friend at the Baskin-Robbin’s parking lot to carpool. We were going on another excursion to look for bike frames downtown. It was evening and the rain had stopped; the sun was low in the sky beginning to set. The smell of the wet asphalt filled my nostrils as I stepped out of my car and slid into the passenger seat. The light blinded my eyes as it bounced from the water on the hood of his Subaru.

“I love rain, don’t you?”

I watched as the clouds continue to part.

“The rain always makes things brighter.”

It’s now a full year later. The sky is gray, but that doesn't matter because I’m sitting in the basement of the Fine Arts building in a corner classroom. I don’t like the fluorescent lights. I feel like they are slowly killing me. The sun is light; the sun brings life. These lights aren't the sun; they’re false and that’s why I’m dying. It will take awhile for my eyes to adjust when I walk outside. If the sun is out when class ends then I will see differently, too. When I walk back into a building I’ll see the difference in the light quality. I’ll start dying again. I’ll be like the yellow flowers sitting on the table in front of me while I write this. They are wilting and slowly turning brown. No one waters them and my roommates never open the blinds. All they have is fluorescent light, and that is why they are dying. It may be slow, but it will still happen. These lights will slowly kill us.

Class is interesting. We have a guest speaker today and he starts talking about passion. I think every guest speaker that comes to an art class talks about this. He tells me I need to be passionate. Passion will drive you. If you have a passion you will succeed. I start to wonder what it is. I don’t think I've really ever felt it. I don’t think I have ever allowed myself to. I stop listening when he starts going over his Digital Asset Management. His voice trails off as I pull my thoughts in. The lights turn off. That’s good; at least the light isn't killing us. There is a power point up of his photos, they’re beautiful, but I still don’t hear much because I’m starting to worry about what he said.

What is passion? If I have never felt it, then I have never succeeded. If I don’t have passion then I have never been driven to do something worthwhile. So what am I doing here? I start to have a panic attack and I burst out of my seat, taking the steps two at a time until I make it outside to the light that brings life: the sun. It has to be out there; it’s not here in this dark corner room.

The bell rings. I didn't physically burst out of my seat, but now I have some catching up to do because half of me is already outside. I take the steps one at a time. The sky is gray; this time it matters. It looks as if it will start to rain. I love the rain.

I have my favorite purple rain jacket on, the one with the conversion chart on the inside pocket, but I don’t wear the hood. It makes it harder to see with my peripheral vision and sometimes the hood comes over the top of my eyes; I don’t like that. I try to catch up. My mind is still racing. I start passing people and I wonder if I could ever feel passionate about them. A raindrop falls and hits my bottom lip. I stop in my tracks and look up. It is a strange sensation. I realize I haven’t really felt anything for a long time. It takes me by surprise because it hits something so sensitive; it wakes me up. It was cold, it was quick, then it started to trickle down my chin and I wiped it away. I think back to when I read a Rock and a Hard Place. “Passion: That which I suffer, allow, endure, to me is done.” I had been trying for so long not to feel, but that small drop of rain had just foiled my plan. By removing my hood I had allowed that raindrop to fall onto my lip. I had allowed it to remind me what it was like to feel. It had scared me, it was like a cool hard jab that somehow managed to bounce lightly away. It was quick then as it began to slide off my lip I was already changed.

We’re coming back to Baskin-Robbin’s and as I get ready to go back to my car I ask:

“How did you know something was wrong?”

“Your eyes looked like the sky does when it clears after a storm.”

I look up now and my senses have heightened. I am aware of the light. And now I realized that is what I've been missing. I start to understand it. I look at the next person that passes me and it’s almost terrifying because I see the light and I can feel an overwhelming sense of compassion. I can feel. He was right: eyes are a window to a person’s soul. It was this compassion from understanding light that I had been missing. I look at the next person and again I am terrified because I never knew you could see pain like that before. Once again, I can feel. “Passion: that which I suffer, allow, endure, to me is done.” The opposition is part of it. My thoughts jump back to a pink highlighted page “…color produces vibrations in the soul…a path leading color to the soul (Kandinsky).” It makes sense and now I understand what my friend saw. The light helped him see the pain, even feel it, but he allowed it and endured it. I finally catch up. That’s what passion is. I look up.

“I love rain, don’t you?”

I watched again as the clouds started to part.

“The rain always makes things brighter.”

Ainsley's Army

Ainsley is a 5 year old girl with ALL: Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Her story is here. My friend is riding on his bicycle in her honor from Vancouver BC to San Francisco. 1200 miles = $1200. Support his campaign. All funds go toward her family. Join Ainsley's Army. 

Together

We were together.
I forget the rest.

Walt Whitman

Up! Up! My Friend, And Quit Your Books

Up! up! my Friend, and quit you books;
Or surely you'll grow double:
Up! up! my Friend, and clear your looks;
Why all this toil and trouble?
The sun, above the mountain's head,
A freshening lustre mellow
Through all the long green fields has spread,
His first sweet evening yellow.
Books! 'tis a dull and endless strife:
Come, hear the woodland linnet,
How sweet his music! on my life,
There's more of wisdom in it.
And hark! how blithe the throstle sings,
He, too, is no mean preacher:
Come forth into the light of things,
Let Nature be your Teacher.
She has a world of ready wealth,
Our minds and hearts to bless
Spontaneous wisdom breathed by health,
Truth breathed by cheerfulness.
One impulse from a vernal wood
May teach you more of man,
Of moral evil and of good,
Than all the sages can.
Sweet is the lore which Nature brings;
Our meddling intellect
Misshapes the beauteous forms of things:
We murder to dissect.
Enough of Science and of Art;
Close up these barren leaves;
Come forth, and bring with you a heart
That watches and receives.

William Wordsworth

Live

I had a friend tell me that he hated that our jobs often define who we are. For instance the fact that he does maintenance at apartment complexes is more important to people then what he actually does. He said he got tired of telling people he was just a maintenance/ fix it guy. So when people ask him what he does, he tells them. He tells them he creates, he ponders, he photographs, he lives. He lives. I think that’s beautiful. More people should think that way. So should I.

Humans

I am grateful for people in my life who help open my eyes and help me learn more about myself and the people around me. Someone I'm growing rather fond of showed me the video from my previous post and this website. People are beautiful aren't they? I need to actually meet more of them. I have so much to learn, they have so much to teach me.

Best thing I've ever seen...

And why am I sitting in the library?

Some things about my life

“There are but a very few beings in the world who understand rightly the character of God. The great majority of mankind do not comprehend anything, either that which is past, or that which is to come, as it respects their relationship to God. They do not know, neither do they understand the nature of that relationship; and consequently they know but little above the brute beast, or more than to eat, drink and sleep. This is all man knows about God or His existence, unless it is given by the inspiration of the Almighty.
“If a man learns nothing more than to eat, drink and sleep, and does not comprehend any of the designs of God, the beast comprehends the same things. It eats, drinks, sleeps, and knows nothing more about God; yet it knows as much as we, unless we are able to comprehend by the inspiration of Almighty God. If men do not comprehend the character of God, they do not comprehend themselves. I want to go back to the beginning, and so lift your minds into more lofty spheres and a more exalted understanding than what the human mind generally aspires to.
“… The scriptures inform us that ‘This is life eternal that they might know thee, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom thou hast sent.’ [John 17:3.]
“If any man does not know God, and inquires what kind of a being He is,—if he will search diligently his own heart—if the declaration of Jesus and the apostles be true, he will realize that he has not eternal life; for there can be eternal life on no other principle."

Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith

Recent Thoughts

I haven't written for awhile. I don't expect really anything I write to make sense to anyone. And to be honest I should probably change that. If I'm going to post my thoughts on the internet I may as well try to write to an audience and in a way that's understandable....but. This post won't fulfill that purpose just yet.

If I merely exist do I fail in the end?
I misunderstand. I need to first understand. Not seek to be understood.
Can I get out of the system that society often creates? Is it wrong to find happiness within it? No. I don't think it is. But it takes courage to break from it. And sometimes that will bring more happiness if it is right and in the search for Truth. Answers do exist. There will always be an answer to every question. I believe there is hope when you step to the edge of the light and then take another step into the darkness. That's when you really start to see and live.
Why do I seek to break from the system? Yet I also fear breaking from it because I know nothing else and my fear often keeps me in it. Why do I feel I am alone in it?
I'm not.
Who is seeking the same thing I am? How can I find them? Do I want to find them so I am not alone? Or so I can tell them they aren't alone?
There are so many people in this world. All different. It's so beautiful. And terrifying when you actually look and seek to understand. A person's eyes tell you a lot about them. Why is it that we try to avoid looking at people? We wish to stay in our own worlds, but in the end that won't do us any good.
What's the point of being surrounded by so many people? There's a reason.
I need to do something about that.
Can I find passion in people?
Can I seek to tell them they are not alone?
Who is it I am trying to find?
And if I search to find one person will I realize that the one actually ended up bringing me to everyone?
As I seek, as I see, as I feel, as I explore....how can I say you are not alone? You are not alone! I feel the same. You are not alone! He feels the same!

I am grateful that I have been taught the way to Christ and my Father. I will never understand everyone, and I may not be able to tell even one person that I know how they feel. But, because of Christ I will always be able to tell them they are not alone. Because Christ knows. He suffered for all, but he suffered for the one. He understands and he can teach me how to understand. And that is a very beautiful thing. We are not alone.
But what about fear? Well it'll be there. I'm realizing the more often I overcome Fear it will get bigger. The harder I try to leave him behind me the more he'll be in front of me. It'll be a constant struggle, but although Fear will get bigger, I'll get stronger and I'll be able to keep moving forward in my search to reach out to those around me.

New Year

2013 flew by.  I can't believe what I did and also what I didn't do.  I wonder where all that time went.  I look back and think that I did a lot of things...but really what did I do? What did I do that benefited someone other then just me? I'm excited for this year. Every opportunity is available right now. I could do anything or go anywhere. I am capable of doing that.  I have dreams big enough to explore the world. I'm independent enough to go where I want to.  And just like every other human being I have a heart that I can use to feel and understand the things around me, but only what I choose.  The hardest part will be deciding what it will be.  Here's to 2014.  

Pictures of the day:

Song I'm obsessed with:

My favorite sounds today:

French

Whistling

Creaking of the pines

Mountain Wind