Perfect Day

Spent all weekend doing art. I love art! Who would've known that I would enjoy it so freakin much. And they were just color exercises basically but still it's so rad. Went climbing and was so disappointed! I felt like I couldn't climb anything. But actually I did master the v3 I had been working on.  I'd say I ended June well....played the piano, gave a talk, shared my sketchbook with a fellow artist...something I never do. Ate a sit down dinner with the roomies. Worked on my bike a bit, talked to my mother on the phone and about convinced myself every second why I shouldn't be setup with the person she was wanting to set me up with and then gave in, did my visiting teaching, shot a paintball gun named Vera that was the same price as a slightly crappy but pretty sweet truck named the Mayflower today. Hit the pole just as many times as the boy showing me his gun...who is on a sponsored team I might add. Those things are fun and I just wanted to take pictures of the sunset from where I was at because all the big spools and old farm parts we were shooting at were so sweet.  Rode mountain bikes on the river parkway in the dark. Got an underdog on a super sweet swing.  Listened to a story for an animation/game and where it stemmed from. I loved it. I could listen to stories like that all day. Biked out to Utah Lake and gained 5 lbs with all the bugs that got stuck in my hair..not really but the stars are amazing out that far.  Just take bug spray, a fly swatter, and mosquito netand  you'll be good to go. It was so nice to get away from the city even though we were so close to it still. Got about run over by a fixie gang...I still want one! Talked about my life and learned about a new friend's life. I loved it.
I also realized that it may not be fair to base my friendship with people on whether they can find the North Star or not because some people that are really cool can't find it on their first try. But he redeemed himself anyways and found it twice tonight. But he also was in an astronomy class previously so I think that leaves no room for me to give any leeway either haha either way I guess I'll make an exception.
I got to decide what my perfect day would be and listened to my friend's tell me his. They were similar in some ways but I love how people are so different. Even though most things were similar in our perfect days we explain our perfect days differently because we're different people.I know...duh but still I think it's cool.
I was introduced to a new band. deadmau5. I loved sitting there listening to it and looking out the window of the Mayflower at the stars. Stars are amazing! Today was blazing but it made it the perfect night. Talked about tapes or cds that we could listen to forever. Mine is the Greatest Hits of Billy Joel on Cassette tape because that's only what my car plays. Especially when I get sick of Provo and drive to Park City I would just blast that tape. "You may be right!" Dun a dun a dun a dun! "I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for! Turn out the lights." dun a dun a dun a dun. "Don't try to save me..." you get the picture. but how great. Either learn to love every song on that tape or learn to be patient enough to rewind or fast forward. But technology is great...like being able to watch a movie on an Ipad while camping...which I still don't know how I really feel about that. Anywho...

So here's a sketch of what my perfect day may be like...
Early morning temple sesh
Watch the sunrise from the top of a mountain or on a beach by the ocean
Eat homemade granola with yogurt for breakfast and take in the beauty
Bike or leisurely drive for transportation
Depending where I'm at...maybe have an early morning fishing session, snorkel, run on the beach, catch crabs, hike, bike, climb, or backpack to the next destination...just something super great like that outside.
Lunch would consist of tuna, wassa crackers, carrots...an apple maybe a banana or some craisins. Weird I know. but it just brings good memories for some reason. Take a nice nap in the shade of a nice tree in a meadow or something...
Continue hiking or doing whatever just enjoying the outdoors..maybe some art. Snack on some dried mangoes, granola bars, or beef jerky.... As it got darker I'd wind down. Start  to make dinner. Sit next to a fire eat some fish or hobo dinners. Listen to a guitar and sing around the campfire. Take in the beauty. Drink some ice cold water. Brush my teeth and wash my face and then crawl into my sleeping bag either under the stars or in a tent with the rain fly off so I could still see the stars on a super comfortable camping pad.
And of course it'd only be the perfect day if I was with at least one person that meant something to me and if I had the chance to be able to take the time to be grateful for that perfect day.

Do not fear it.

You know it's bad when all you think about when you go to sleep is the 4 of July, flag printed bandannas, your body as a ceiling fan, and a boy coming to Great Harvest and telling you he's figured it out and wants you back.  And then you wake yourself up and you realize that you can be happy on your own.  In fact you really and truly are happy and you know that you continue to be happy and accomplish great things on your own.
Gessoed 3 panels last night and 4 sheets of paper while watching Romantics Anonymous...a French film with subtitles about 2 chocolatiers with anxiety and the completely switched gears and watched Seven Pounds.  I've never seen that movie before but that definitely  makes you think about the good you can do for others in the world. Would you be willing to give you life for a total stranger...just so they could live? Interesting twist. It made me realize that there is much good that should be done in the world that people often overlook but it doesn't always need to be big huge things, sometimes it's the small things that make the difference. Sometimes it's the small things that give a person their life back.

This land is great. The Earth is beautiful. Art is happiness and love is so broad.  You are loved and you can love. That is a beautiful gift. You feel joy because you are simply you. And you do not fear it.

3 hrs

3 hours of sleep. 6 hours of making panels and stretching canvas, 3 hours of figure drawing, 1 1/2 hours of rock climbing up Rock Canyon, and about the same waiting for shakes at Sammy's...but surprisingly I'm not that tired. Oh I forgot...yesterday in Figure Drawing I went to stretch and the front of my bra totally snapped! It completely broke in half so I pretty much had 4 boobs for 3 hours yesterday. So swell haha. Successfully jumped a curb on my bike and rode with out hands....I know I just barely am learning to do the things most people did as kids but, I was always way too scared! And I did a 5.11a. Whoo baby.
Read an excerpt from a book on fear and art that I found quite interesting. Part of it talked about an art teacher who graded half the class on the quantity of pots they made that semester and the other half just on one quality pot. Turned out the part of the class that were graded on quantity produced better quality pots as well.  We also discussed the 10000 hour rule in art today. Realistically speaking it'll take about 5 years to put 10000 hours into something...so that means I have a lot of room for improvement the next few years...more then five even. So I shouldn't get discouraged when results aren't instant.

Just today.

Life is good. But it's crazy. I did a 5.10d and 5.11a and the climbing gym! Wahoo! And biking is the best by the way too...So this morning I was buying a ridiculous amount of art supplies and was running inside to throw them in my room before going to work. This boy passed me on the way and then apologized and turned around and carried all my stuff to my apartment for me. How nice! People are so great! Art is great too. I never knew how much I loved it! My painting class started yesterday...6 hours long but it was a blast because we worked in the woodshop all day making panels and streching boards for canvas. sweet huh? Today was my first day back in figure drawing. I kinda surprised myself actually. I have a long way to go but I was so excited that it was almost like riding a bike in a way. So here's my first one in two years...

So the other day I was at a carnival and I totally lost my phone! AH! And then I came home and someone had personally returned it. How cool is that?! This guy had called people on my phone, got a hold of my roommate and then personally returned it to me. Then he just told me to pay it forward...really though I'm so glad that there is still hope in humanity! Whoo!

Starlight. Starbright.

The other day while watching the sunset I spotted the first star of the night. I wanted so badly to wish on it but then I realized that merely wishing on a star wouldn't get me anything or anywhere.

Joe's Valley among others...

So I left a part out about my rampage around the Valley the other day...on my way back down the canyon a song came on by the Shins that just totally calmed me down.  I believe that people are brought into our lives to help us at certain times and share experiences they've had to help us be stronger and get through hard times.  This friend had sat me down on his floor, put on a vinyl handed me the headphones and had me listen to this particular song. I loved it. I was just in my own little world sitting there with nothing else going on around me. He told me he got the vinyl on a day that had been a little rough for him and he had just sat in his room and listened to that song and it had made everything better. No real reason but, it did. The second that song came on I was calm and it made my day a lot better actually. I'm grateful for that friend for many, many reasons. He was always a much better friend to me than I was to him but, that day in particular I was glad that he had shared something with me that helped me get through a minor freak out.

Just got back from a trip to Joe's Valley! Left at 5 am this morning a successful trip after 11 turn arounds and my car dying 5 or 6 times. What an adventure I'd say! Haha so it was me and two other girls. We were going into New Joe's...passed Cottonwood Canyon Road, flipped around and got onto the right highway...went all the way up to the coalmine and decided we'd probably gone too far...the directions had said something about a dirt road...so we started driving down all the dirt roads we thought it might be down. Haha oh boy, my poor car. Woke our friend up going through a rock graveyard, lost track of how many oil rigs we passed and proceeded to go back down by the river towards Joe's Reservoir. Lucky for us we saw a car with a bouldering mat outside next to it, so we flipped around, and I got out and asked for directions. The best part was when the kid pulled out the same map that we had! Oh man. But he did give us slightly better directions. You go to the last pull off before the coal mine and it's marked by a lantern. Oh how helpful! Then he told us that "The Closet" would have some good climbs for our skill level. So we got there pretty quickly once we had found the right pull off...about four hours after having left Provo we started hiking...we passed this old rusted out VW bug and tried to look for rocks that were covered in chalk. We climbed some random boulders that we thought might be fun...climbed some hard routes that we could pretty much only pull ourselves up on and then hiked around until we found some more chalk.
That was my first time bouldering outside and boy it kinda gets your heart racing. It's a bit different if you fall because you'll most likely get seriously injured. Took a break for lunch on top of a boulder and saw the nice boys that had helped us earlier that morning. We packed our stuff up and hiked into the Valley more down a hill that was all black from the coal.

The boys pointed out an area that they said would be fun for us to try out....I think it might've been "The Closet". Until I can learn to read those maps better they are kinda bizzare. Random trees are drawn and big triangles for hills...ya except there are hills everywhere and oil rigs everywhere too. I think we figured out we did a V1 and I mastered my first V3 bouldering on real rock. I was pretty excited. I can't take total credit though, my friend I climb with is super talented so she always goes first and figures out the routes pretty much.  That climb was fun though. "Bad Genes" possibly?  My muscles were good to go still but my hands and fingers were shot at that point and we were all a bit tired so we packed up and headed out.

P.S. this is the climb I did...had to start underneath. Wahoo!
It's nice because although we were driving around a lot more than we expected and ran into some complications we were all chill about it and laughed it off which was so nice!
Bouldering sure does get your heart racing though. Maybe the fact that if you fall it'll kinda suck.
We did learn some things though and that was good. If you put your extra gear in between the folded bouldering mat it helps a lot! Also 3 people is the perfect number. 1. Climber 2. Spotter 3. Photographer

Yesterday I went climbing with my roommate at the gym, it was a blast. I did my first 5.10d and attempted a 5.11a but was pretty shot from bouldering before that.  We met two boys that I was very impressed with. We were all up bouldering and then they made the effort to talk with us and then invite us to come climb with them on top rope downstairs.  They pushed us to climb bettter and then invited us out that night to go to a Carnival and we all exchanged numbers.
My roommate didn't go because she had homework and also has a boyfriend but I went with one of the boys and his uncle who is mentally handicapped. I was pretty impressed with this kid because one he made a point to talk to me while climbing, invited me to keep climbing with him, invited us out that night to a carnival, then offered to drive all the way back from Pleasant Grove to pick me up. He picked me up at my apartment and then also took me back to the Quarry so I could pick up a bouldering mat for the next day's adventure. When we got to the carnival...that actually wasn't going yet...he told me he would get my door and then made me get back into the car when I didn't let him help me out of the car.  I just thought it was cool that he used so much chivalry and was good at communicating. It was refreshing for sure. And I'm one that will insist to do things by myself and that I'm fine, I like to hold my own, but it was kinda of nice that he insisted he be a gentleman.
This kid ended up being younger than me which was weird because he looks a lot older.... Either way though I was still impressed with him because I feel like it's something the world is kinda missing nowadays.

Where the bells are ringing slow...

So yesterday I came home for my mama's big 50th birthday. We were going to have an open house but my dad changed plans and took her on a surprise date. One thing about having a dad with MS is sometimes he'll forget to tell you these things. But he can't help it so it's OK, that's just become part of our life that I'm still learning to deal with. Because he genuinely will forget things and big things quickly. Anyways...I came home. And no one was home. So I'll admit I kinda threw a fit because I feel like that's how it always is now. Me by myself. So I decided I was going to go climbing but realized I didn't want to spend, let alone, could I afford to spend $14 for an hour of climbing at the gym. Plus it was a gorgeous day. So I packed my backpack, packed the bouldering mat, packed my rope and gear, told Maxwell and his Silver Hammer to eat it,  and took my sister's car because mine didn't have any gas in it from the drive home. 

I just started driving, trying to figure out what to do and I was just kinda frustrated. So I'm just trying to think of just one living being that could just belay me at least. I thought of one...then quickly realized that was a bad idea because he didn't have a harness or shoes so he couldn't even belay me and the thought of taking him bouldering made me nervous but I had already made the mistake of calling him. But he had been my complete last resort and really was the last person I wanted to be with. So I don't know why I called him because he's way more interested than I am. I know. I'm horrible. I shouldn't've done that and then he wanted to keep planning something to do that night. I should know better...

So I kept driving and drove up Ogden Canyon. If that can't calm you down...I don't know what will. It is SO beautiful.  I put some gas in the car because I shortly realized my sister's car had no more gas in it than mine did and drove up to the monastery. I love driving past all those rolling hills and through the final stretch of huge trees that line the road. I don't believe everything and practice the same religion as these monks do but I felt a noticeable difference when I stepped out of my car. I think you can always feel something different when you're in a place that is trying to get you closer to God. Even if you don't believe all the same things.  I wish I had a good camera because everything was just amazing. The lighting, the way the mountains sloped, the green, the sun setting, but even a camera couldn't capture the peace. It really was just peace and it was something I feel I've been missing lately. I was about an hour past the last time they had done chants. So I'll have to make it back up another day because it's something I've always wanted to hear.

I drove back up to Ogden and passed some climbers in the Canyon. I about slammed on my brakes and turned around to join them, but it looked like a date so I decided against it. 

At this point I was bothered because this boy was trying to still make plans with me and I just wanted to be alone. Which is so not fair to him. So I drove up to 9th street...don't worry I took my pepper spray...and hiked up to the climbs. That hike always kills me. I don't know why but it never gets easier.

I found a rock to climb so I could watch the sunset. 

At this point I realized that I had started narrating my life in my head as to how I would record it on this blog...which is kinda weird...and really it always is better and more thought out then when I'm actually writing. Which is weird too. Anyways. I kicked off my chacos because they were making climbing harder and then I realized I was being just dumb pretty much. I was alone. I was barefoot. I was highballing it for sure. And if I fell I'd get hurt and no one would know because I hadn't told anyone where I was at. Joy. So I stayed where I was at and enjoyed the last bit of the sunset from the top of 9th street.

 It was so beautiful and once again I was just at peace. I did wish that I had someone to share it with though. Having one other person to share it with just kinda solidifies that it's actually reality and that you're not just making something up. But it really truly is real and just as amazing as you're thinking you're seeing it.
I drove home and was about to start a small fire in our pit so I could make a banana boat and work on my bike but then my parents got home. It was fun to eat ice cream with them and some family friends and to listen to our friends' son tell limericks and Chuck Norris jokes.
While I was on my excursion through Ogden Valley I was frustrated because I felt that I could rely on no one any longer. I felt that not one person I knew was reliable. My roommate has good intentions to be but she has a boyfriend...so really that's where she is and needs to be all the time. My sister isn't but she's growing up so I understand that to, she needs to find herself. My dad isn't but he honestly can't help it because of the disease he battles. And the person I love isn't because he needs time to figure some things out so I can't rely on him to be there now either. And I was spending all this time being angry and hurt and trying to just figure out a way to be hard enough to just be ok with myself and with myself being utterly alone all the time and doing things by myself all the time and not have to worry about stupid hobos.... And then I realized while I was watching the sun set how ridiculous that was because I was so angry with being left alone and losing all hope in the reliability of humanity when I myself am no more reliable than anyone of those people. And they aren't necessarily all things that they can help. I was just being selfish. I was blowing off a nice boy and was just using him so I could go climb...I did call him later to make up for it but I can't say I made that situation ANY better at all. If not I made it worse. But I was just feeling all this pity for myself because I'm hurt and really quite frankly I'm not alone I'm just not necessarily with the Top 3 on my list people or the ones I truly want to be with or I'm not doing things that are getting me anywhere or doing things that I want to do or that bring me joy. But I'm with good people. Great people. I'm just being selfish and refusing to step out of myself.
And that is the saddest part of it. I'm blaming everyone else for my own problems and that's a very cowardly thing to do.
When I first started this blog I didn't want to talk about religion in it for some reason but by doing so that leaves out one of the biggest parts of me. Today I knew I wasn't alone. I know I'm not. I can feel it. In my heart. And I can't make up what I feel in my heart.
I'm looking for peace in other places when really it's so easy to find I just am refusing to go there for some reason right now. I have to figure some things out still I guess. But God brings peace. He does. And He tells me exactly how and where to find it but I've been avoiding it because sometimes it requires me to give up things. And it makes me angry when He asks me to sacrifice good things sometimes.  He requires sacrifice. And that's hard. But it makes me better. It makes me happier and then my life truly can be led in a way that I have purpose and I'm filled with love and charity, not hate and anger. I was being so selfish but really if I tried to focus on others and how I could serve them better I would feel 100% better about my life right now then I have. I know that's true.
So that's my goal for now. To be willing to sacrifice and make changes in my life so I can serve people. Because there are so many other people with greater needs then my selfish ones. And that's what love really is. Service and Sacrifice. And I'm grateful for my Savior because he showed me the ultimate form of love by the service and sacrifice He made for me.

Maxwell's Silver Hammer

Ok I'm going to rage for about 2.5 seconds or more.  I'm freakin sick of these hobos. My mother always has said don't do this or that because there's probably a hobo waiting for you in a bush if you go by yourself. Well Maxwell...wherever you are with your silver hammer please leave me alone because I want to go bike riding right now and I can't because it's like midnight. Prime rape time. Apparently.

72 hours

So today I was at work and this little boy asked me to slice him some bread that was not on the bread board.  OK so it was almost time to close but he was cute and a little high maintenance so I pulled it off the shelf the for him and then proceeded to ring his dad up. Then the little boy starts freaking out because where is his Pumpkin Spice? Then his little sister starts to do the same.  And the dad is kinda stressed out because they keep talking him into buying other sweets. And then the boy is asking why I can't do so many things at once...really...but then...then...he goes oh, it's cuz she's a girl! What are you kidding? You didn't even say please for your Pumpkin Spice thank you very much! And I already had Pumpkin Chocolate on the bread board...what kid doesn't like chocolate. So apparently eight year old boys are superior to girls slicing their favorite bread for them.
Good to know.
Anyways...I'm not bitter.
Also yesterday at work the power went off for some time and it was a real eye opener. We had to make change without the computer and figure out tax and everything else...which is not a big deal. It really wasn't at all but, I realized we rely on technology so much. I'm not bad at math and I can count change just fine but I feel like I had to think about it longer then I needed to when I was adding on tax and such. The power went back out later that night due to a fire and that was interesting for sure. It made me think...well good thing the power was only out for 2 hours but what if it had been longer? My phone was almost dead, I didn't have much anything else in regards to food besides what was in the fridge, I did have some headlamps and I do have camping gear but what about my 72 hour kit?! Do I have one...um nope. Could I figure things out if my phone had died, or my computer had died? Or if the internet went down would I be completely lost? Can I do anything without technology??  I would like to think so but it is a bit crazy how much I rely on technology. So that was good to get me thinking...now I just have to think of ways that I can put together a 72 hour kit and a small bit of food storage as a poor college student. But that'll be fun. Living on a shoe string is kind of exciting...sometimes stressful...but it allows you to be creative. And that can be kinda fun.
And it made me think that investing into one of those Solar Monkeys that charges all your electronic devices wouldn't be a bad idea...but who knows.

Tuck and Roll

Oh man. The sunset last night was beautiful! The colors were so amazing it was like the sky was on fire! My family all went outside to watch it but there were a lot of trees blocking the complete view and I did not want to miss out on that. So I ran upstairs as fast as I could, climbed out my window, shimmied across the ledge, and climbed to the top of our roof. Best view ever! The best part...well no the sunset was the best part...but it was kinda funny when I was crawling through my window on the way back in my dad came upstairs and flicked on my light just as I finished climbing in. Haha so he was a bit surprised I think.
I would attach a picture...but let's just say I don't have a smart phone so my camera isn't kinda super crappy.

Today was great. I think sometimes I just look like a hobo though when I ride the frontrunner with my pack and climbing rope and mountain bike.  I met a man on the train  from Zimbabwe who told me he was originally from Japan...which totally wasn't true haha he was very nice and thought it was hysterical that I could tell my mother I met a black man on the train.
Also today I did a heel click...or leap...or something. Running down a hill on the way to meet up with my roommates in the car after I awkwardly got asked out on a date and as I came back down I knew I was a goner. But I was not going to have that. So I tripped outta my leap and somehow managed to tuck and roll out of it and just keep walking like nothing happened. But sadly as much as I would like to think that when I do things like that nobody will notice...everybody still had. Oh well.Also I bet my homemade granola against someone's strawberry yogurt that the bird we were looking at was a falcon and not a hawk. And I totally won! So that means I get the yogurt and I get to put my granola in it. Wahoo! Also it brought me a lot of joy when this person turned out to be quite the lover of Animal Planet. I have not watched that channel in ages! But I seriously used to only watch that channel...I just wish I would've stayed up that one night to find out what happened to all those baby tigers in captivity...and he also wants to name one of his children Beaver like on Leave it to Beaver and that made me happy to know someone else knew that TVland existed. Anyway, tuck and roll and  I only have one scratch on my toe.
Back to the train...
I love riding the train! I get to listen to music, talk to strangers, and I have time to think and write things down. I thought about things I have learned from the past few months and this is what I came up with:
1. I love being outdoors
2. I am happiest being active (physically and spiritually)
3. I actually can kinda play sports...well better than I thought I was capable of ever
4. I am an adventurer
5. I can learn new things
6. I have weaknesses
7. I need to learn to deal with jealousy and other negative emotions akin to jealousy and be more charitable
8. I can take risks
9. I am different...and by that I mean that I am me. And no one else is exactly like me. So I am different.
10. I am vulnerable but it's ok
11. I don't need to convince someone to love me because my worth comes from within myself not from someone else
12. I can communicate
13. I should be kinder
14. I need to stand strong against the world because I am compassionate, peaceful, and strong until I let it in.
15. I need to learn to be confident and comfortable in my own skin
16. I can do things that I actually want to
17. I don't need to always be a martyr
18. Family brings me joy
19. I need to follow through with things especially if I expect others to do the same
20. Everyone has something to teach you.
 Well that's all folks! Thanks for tuning in because honestly this blog is more for me than anything else....

Be who you are.

When things don't work out how we thought it's ok because it allows us to learn. I am grateful for the sunrise and grateful that I was able to be up early enough to see it. It reminded me that after a dark night the sun will always rise and bring light. It's a new day and a chance to become who I want to be and to move forward from the past. It's ok that my life has once again not gone as planned. It's ok that I was hurt and rejected because I learned and it's now giving me another chance to learn to be ok and confident in myself again. And that can be a challenge. Sometimes later in the day I forget that I've had chance at a new day and dwell on yesterday...but then the sun rises again in the morning and reminds me again that I have a fresh start to be myself and love every second of my life and make it better than yesterday. The only time we have power to do anything is right now. We can't change the past and our decisions now determine the future. So I have to choose what I want to be right now and I have to choose to be me and be ok and in love with being just me even if it's not enough for other people. No one else can be me and  I have something to offer no one else does.

Michael Franti and Spearhead, Hey Now Now:

Be who you are nothing more nothing lessAnd let the beauty that you love be the very bestSing praises to the highest with your feet on the groundAnd reach for your brother with the words that you sound andDon't let mistakes be so monumental, andDon't let your love be so confidential, andDon't let your mind be so darn judgmentalAnd please let your heart be more influentialBe thankful for all the Spirit providesAnd be thankful for all that you can see without eyesGive thanks to music that keeps us aliveAnd give thanks to all the DJs worldwide

Other people don't determine your worth. You decide your worth. Be the greatest you that you can be. When people reject your efforts or your love it's ok. Because you can still be worth great amounts if you believe in yourself. You have something to offer the world that no one else does. So don't let rejection and misunderstanding or hate stop you. Share your joy and passion with others and be nothing more or less than yourself. Because you are great and nothing can stop that.

Eyes

A wise person told me once that you can tell a lot about a person from their eyes. And it's true. I think we lose a lot when we only stick to communication through devices and media. I think it's important to make time to see people so you can really see how they are and what they're experiencing.  I think it's important to actually look at people...to really see them. Eyes are the window into the soul. Isn't that a beautiful thing?