So yesterday I came home for my mama's big 50th birthday. We were going to have an open house but my dad changed plans and took her on a surprise date. One thing about having a dad with MS is sometimes he'll forget to tell you these things. But he can't help it so it's OK, that's just become part of our life that I'm still learning to deal with. Because he genuinely will forget things and big things quickly. Anyways...I came home. And no one was home. So I'll admit I kinda threw a fit because I feel like that's how it always is now. Me by myself. So I decided I was going to go climbing but realized I didn't want to spend, let alone, could I afford to spend $14 for an hour of climbing at the gym. Plus it was a gorgeous day. So I packed my backpack, packed the bouldering mat, packed my rope and gear, told Maxwell and his Silver Hammer to eat it, and took my sister's car because mine didn't have any gas in it from the drive home.
I just started driving, trying to figure out what to do and I was just kinda frustrated. So I'm just trying to think of just one living being that could just belay me at least. I thought of one...then quickly realized that was a bad idea because he didn't have a harness or shoes so he couldn't even belay me and the thought of taking him bouldering made me nervous but I had already made the mistake of calling him. But he had been my complete last resort and really was the last person I wanted to be with. So I don't know why I called him because he's way more interested than I am. I know. I'm horrible. I shouldn't've done that and then he wanted to keep planning something to do that night. I should know better...
So I kept driving and drove up Ogden Canyon. If that can't calm you down...I don't know what will. It is SO beautiful. I put some gas in the car because I shortly realized my sister's car had no more gas in it than mine did and drove up to the monastery. I love driving past all those rolling hills and through the final stretch of huge trees that line the road. I don't believe everything and practice the same religion as these monks do but I felt a noticeable difference when I stepped out of my car. I think you can always feel something different when you're in a place that is trying to get you closer to God. Even if you don't believe all the same things. I wish I had a good camera because everything was just amazing. The lighting, the way the mountains sloped, the green, the sun setting, but even a camera couldn't capture the peace. It really was just peace and it was something I feel I've been missing lately. I was about an hour past the last time they had done chants. So I'll have to make it back up another day because it's something I've always wanted to hear.
I drove back up to Ogden and passed some climbers in the Canyon. I about slammed on my brakes and turned around to join them, but it looked like a date so I decided against it.
At this point I was bothered because this boy was trying to still make plans with me and I just wanted to be alone. Which is so not fair to him. So I drove up to 9th street...don't worry I took my pepper spray...and hiked up to the climbs. That hike always kills me. I don't know why but it never gets easier.
I found a rock to climb so I could watch the sunset.
At this point I realized that I had started narrating my life in my head as to how I would record it on this blog...which is kinda weird...and really it always is better and more thought out then when I'm actually writing. Which is weird too. Anyways. I kicked off my chacos because they were making climbing harder and then I realized I was being just dumb pretty much. I was alone. I was barefoot. I was highballing it for sure. And if I fell I'd get hurt and no one would know because I hadn't told anyone where I was at. Joy. So I stayed where I was at and enjoyed the last bit of the sunset from the top of 9th street.
I drove home and was about to start a small fire in our pit so I could make a banana boat and work on my bike but then my parents got home. It was fun to eat ice cream with them and some family friends and to listen to our friends' son tell limericks and Chuck Norris jokes.
While I was on my excursion through Ogden Valley I was frustrated because I felt that I could rely on no one any longer. I felt that not one person I knew was reliable. My roommate has good intentions to be but she has a boyfriend...so really that's where she is and needs to be all the time. My sister isn't but she's growing up so I understand that to, she needs to find herself. My dad isn't but he honestly can't help it because of the disease he battles. And the person I love isn't because he needs time to figure some things out so I can't rely on him to be there now either. And I was spending all this time being angry and hurt and trying to just figure out a way to be hard enough to just be ok with myself and with myself being utterly alone all the time and doing things by myself all the time and not have to worry about stupid hobos.... And then I realized while I was watching the sun set how ridiculous that was because I was so angry with being left alone and losing all hope in the reliability of humanity when I myself am no more reliable than anyone of those people. And they aren't necessarily all things that they can help. I was just being selfish. I was blowing off a nice boy and was just using him so I could go climb...I did call him later to make up for it but I can't say I made that situation ANY better at all. If not I made it worse. But I was just feeling all this pity for myself because I'm hurt and really quite frankly I'm not alone I'm just not necessarily with the Top 3 on my list people or the ones I truly want to be with or I'm not doing things that are getting me anywhere or doing things that I want to do or that bring me joy. But I'm with good people. Great people. I'm just being selfish and refusing to step out of myself.
And that is the saddest part of it. I'm blaming everyone else for my own problems and that's a very cowardly thing to do.
When I first started this blog I didn't want to talk about religion in it for some reason but by doing so that leaves out one of the biggest parts of me. Today I knew I wasn't alone. I know I'm not. I can feel it. In my heart. And I can't make up what I feel in my heart.
I'm looking for peace in other places when really it's so easy to find I just am refusing to go there for some reason right now. I have to figure some things out still I guess. But God brings peace. He does. And He tells me exactly how and where to find it but I've been avoiding it because sometimes it requires me to give up things. And it makes me angry when He asks me to sacrifice good things sometimes. He requires sacrifice. And that's hard. But it makes me better. It makes me happier and then my life truly can be led in a way that I have purpose and I'm filled with love and charity, not hate and anger. I was being so selfish but really if I tried to focus on others and how I could serve them better I would feel 100% better about my life right now then I have. I know that's true.
So that's my goal for now. To be willing to sacrifice and make changes in my life so I can serve people. Because there are so many other people with greater needs then my selfish ones. And that's what love really is. Service and Sacrifice. And I'm grateful for my Savior because he showed me the ultimate form of love by the service and sacrifice He made for me.
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