Happy Day

So today was interesting. Painting then Figure Drawing. Painting is great. I am so blessed that I am going to school for ART!! How sweet is that? So I'm doing a systems project where I create/use a system that takes my control of the outcome of the painting out of my hands. I love it. I'm doing two pieces where I map out the ocean tides and then compare it to "emotional" tides.  I'll map out -using blog posts and journal entries- my personal emotion or contentment during a period of 3 months and compare the two to see if any pattern occurs.  I've been content the majority of the time but, not necessarily happy if that makes sense.
My figure drawing class went downstairs to the  Faculty Show today during a break. One of the pieces asked you to check a box Yes or No if you were happy and then explain your choice. I checked No because I don't feel particularly happy or sad. Just ok. Plus I feel like my emotions change a lot. I'm happy while painting or drawing but, my thoughts wonder and I wish things were different but, then will quickly remind myself that I am blessed, I've learned a lot, and I'm more confident with who I am, despite rejection, then I ever have been before honestly. I checked No and then a fellow classmate came up and I tried so hard to hide my answer from him. I didn't want him to know. He asked me what I put. So I told him. And he asked why I wasn't happy. I responded that actually I was. So then I checked yes and put my slip in the box with Yes and No checked. Why did I do that? Am I so worried about what people think of me that I'll even lie to make them think I'm ok? But when he asked I thought to myself, that was dumb. Why did I put no? Because I'm actually happy. I really am. So who am I trying to convince? Myself? Or other people that I'm happy? On my own scale I knew that I wasn't happy at that moment. But overall I consider myself a happy person and I'm not extremely depressed. I'm not complaining about life. Nothing drastic. So when my classmate asked it was like oh ya of course! I'm happy! Of course overall I'm pretty happy.  But right that second I wasn't happy or sad...just kinda there.
It was weird though because I'm ok. Like I keep saying.....haha and then I saw that one boy. And even though it's over. I was happy. I was so happy. And it was the weirdest sensation because there was hardly any interaction but it was like my happiness was completed. I was the happiest I had been in a month. And it's still lingering and I hoped he was doing well and I hoped I could see him again but, then I kinda gave myself a smack and reminded myself to get over it and realize it wasn't going to happen. But I was happy again. And I'm grateful I saw him because he restored me to complete happiness. Something I haven't felt for awhile. It's just such a weird feeling to be moving forward and to feel more confident in myself then I ever have before and to be working hard at school and work. I'm doing things I love to do still and it's great and I'm grateful to be where I am but, this one person completed what I had been missing. And that's not something I can have everyday because it's over.
So I'm going to keep being content and I'm going to keep moving forward and realize that I can be happy but I may not be happy to the extent I'd like to be until I can let time heal what's been lost and find a place for someone else in my heart.
But all in due time. And that's not right now. So. Once again. I'm content to be here where I am. Slightly alone but in love with life.