Everything

Loving this song.

Today I realized that I think I am only capable of doing things if I have others to do them with. But that's not true. I'm very capable of doing many things on my own. I just lack the confidence to do them by myself...and I don't like being alone. I like being love and being validated...I think we all do as humans.  I went climbing with a friend and the second we walked into the gym I immediately didn't want to be there because I felt threatened. Which is so dumb because those people could care less how I'm climbing because they're focusing on their climbing! And I have made a lot of progress...so really that's all that matters.  I've realized that I let fear get in the way of my life all to often...still! I care so much about what people think of me and I find myself trying to figure out what I want to portray to people...like a certain stereotype or something. Yet I thought I was getting over that but, I guess I'm not.  I was reminiscing today at work as I listened to some sweet mixes on my iPod while cleaning.  It took me back to places and with people who gave me confidence in myself and made me feel I could the do the things I wanted and that I was a beautiful person.  And I really loved that person that I was becoming right before I moved back to school. I'm grateful for those people in my life. But I also realized that although I needed them then and possibly even right now to help me...I need more then ever to find that confidence on my own and from within myself. I don't understand why it's so difficult and why it seems to always be a cycle in my life. And I find it difficult to do with people around me. That's when I start seeking for ways to seclude myself and run away from what I have in order to search my soul and find the me I want to be.  But I don't think that's right either because these people help shape me but I just need to learn how to define me on my own among many influences. I just wish that "me" could be more constant and stable instead of wanting change so frequently.

I just wish I could stop being so scared of doing what I want. Truly what I want and of being at peace with who I am.

I started drawing a little bit again today. Oh man...how scary. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing anymore. It's gonna take time and a whole lot of effort but I also realized it'll be one of the quickest ways to overcome my fear because creativity forces you to leave all fear behind or else you can't be creative at all. 

We'll see how it goes. I know I have a ways to go. Learning to love yourself in a humble way is very difficult. But I'm going to start now. I'm going to stop being my worst enemy.