Patterns.

Word to the wise. If you deleted your Facebook, don't reactivate it. Even for two seconds. Not worth it. So I'm writing again I guess. And by the way I apologize to all of you who read this and panic because my grammar and punctuation is so terrible, but I'm just trying to get thoughts out. So sorry...but you kinda don't have to read this anyway.
Last night I went on a walk with a friend. It was really good for me. I didn't even know I needed it. But he told me I needed to start writing or keeping a journal again because it would really help me out. Which is true. When I keep a journal I learn a lot more because I show what I'm learning is important and then I am able to receive more. It also helps me realize I actually do pretty good things in my life and I actually am still making progress...even if it's extremely slow. So I'm accepting the challenge and I'm writing again and I know it'll only benefit me, too...
So last night as I was talking to my friend he wanted to share some song lyrics with me, but couldn't remember the song unless he sang it. It was great. So I talked about how much singing in front of people terrifies me. So he made me sing to him. In the middle of the night. In the middle of a sidewalk. By myself. Without my roommate's guitar. Or a choir to hide behind. So I turned around because it was really weird to look at him while I sang. Especially since the song was "Kiss Me" haha and I had to clarify that I didn't actually want him to do that. Talk about getting over fears. Or just being forced to I guess.
So...this morning was another rough one...it was probably a good thing that one of my roommates was here because I was about ready to punch a hole in a wall I was so just absolutely furious. And I don't get mad, like that mad. Ever. Maybe like once every two years...maybe. But it's been happening frequently because I just feel so betrayed and honestly just so upset that I allowed myself to fall so hard and so fast for a silly boy. And I wanted it to work so bad. And it didn't. And I blame myself for so many different little things that I didn't do that I feel like would've made it work if I would've done them. And it's dumb to do that, but I do.  It probably wouldn't be so bad if so many other things hadn't fallen through in order for this to come into place. Oh man, I hurt so bad. I hate it. And I just want to block out the world and harden my heart and protect myself, but I know I need to allow my heart to continue to be broken and to be vulnerable...and open. And that is so hard! Because I feel so shafted right now. But I know if I keep it open and vulnerable then I'll be in a spot to become stronger and to learn more then if I shut down and harden it.  And I want to run away again. I want to get out of this valley. I want to go back to Hawaii, or to Russia. Or just somewhere where everywhere I go I'm not reminded of things that happened last fall.
I feel like there is something I continually am missing because every year I feel like I'm at the exact place I was before. Square one. New home. Broken Heart. Every year. And I'm starting to wonder if that's ever gonna change. And it scares me.