Breathing

I have a close friend who had surgery on one of his lungs due to it collapsing. After he was released from the hospital I would often ask him how he was breathing that day. I was walking home from the Metro the other day, a bit stressed, and lost in thought, and decided I just needed to take some time to stop and breathe. Breathe it all in. Breathe it all out. I remembered a talk I had watched that talked about how life and about breathing. The speaker said that our breathing teaches us how to live. Take it all in and then give it all back. Breathe it all in. Breathe it all out. I find that to be a really beautiful truth. I realized that I had been asking the wrong person that question. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him that question as frequently has I should have asked myself that. How are you breathing today? Or how are you living today? Am I taking it all in and then giving it all back?

I believe spheres of influence can definitely be felt. When a person has a strong light, a strong purpose, their influence is greater and you can physically feel it when you are in certain proximity to them.

Little Red and the Sleeping Beaut

So I've watched the same two Chinese versions of Little Red Riding Hood and Sleeping Beauty about 6 times or more each this past week (not completely by choice: it happens when you teach a Chinese 6 year old English). I've learned quite a few life lessons as well as some Chinese (subtitles) from those shows and I actually look forward to watching them each time so I can be reminded of what I learn. At one point in Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red comes upon a bird on her way to Grandma's. The bird is injured so, naturally, she mends the wing with raspberry jam. She tells the bird he's better and to fly, but he can't. She comes to the conclusion that it's not his wing at all (maybe at this point it's the jam), but his head that is keeping him from flying. She tells him that when he's afraid of something he should learn not to be afraid of it and face it and overcome it. Later, after the wolf almost ate her and Grandma, the narrator reviews the lessons Red learned; one being that we should always be on the lookout for people pretending to be something they're not. I thought that was interesting. Should Little Red be on the lookout for me?
Sleeping Beauty starts out with a song talking about love. Some paths are paved with gold, some are curved and narrow, some are hard to find, some are straight as arrows. When it feels like true love, it's getting much too hard to find...Something to that effect. Because I usually watch the two movies consecutively I linked some ideas: People pretend to be something they're not, our heads keep us from flying, and true love is getting too hard to find; Food for thought. We know the story of Sleeping Beauty: she pricks her finger and falls into a deep sleep and a Prince comes to rescue her. I can't quite remember the other versions, but in this version the Prince has to cross a bottomless pit, defeat a giant without falling into the pit, overcome thorns around a castle, scare away bats, stop his heart from turning to stone due to an evil fairy, and kiss the princess. He, of course, has been dreaming about the princess since he was a boy and so that's why he's there in the first place. Overcomes the pit with pure intellect. Overcomes the giant with advice from the fairy's voice and what he remembers from his dreams during his childhood. Overcomes the bats with fire that is already in the castle. Overcomes the stone by using his own strength/love as well as the fairy (the voice) herself. And then of course he uses his own free will to kiss the princess. And they live happily ever after.

So maybe I haven't finished connecting everything yet, but I think what I took from these movies are this: it helps to have a dream and it helps to be aware of your surroundings. It helps to listen to the voice inside you, and have a strong will. It helps to not let your mind make you afraid (this also reminded me of a TED talk I watched find the link here), and it helps to be real and not pretend to be something else.
Do I do/have those things? And do I have a goal where I search my whole life to find and obtain it? Do I even have a goal of finding someone who doesn't just make me happy forever because I'm with them and because I just sat and waited my whole life for them and now I'm just glad to not be alone, but who I would give anything and everything for: my own life if necessary, who I would search for and prepare my whole life for? And that's what makes me happy is being there for them right when they needed it - to help them wake up - and to serve them and be by their side forever.
Definitely some spiritual and temporal parallels I'd say.
Hmm...I never knew I could learn so much from some Chinese/English classic children's stories and slightly cheesy ones at that and maybe I took it too far haha, but I have a lot of thinking to do when my only friend is 6 year old who doesn't know English and I don't know Chinese.

You know I think I fear never finding love, but I think sometimes I fear more that I'll find it and then I won't know what to do and I'll pass it up. I think it's human to have fears about love. Either way, I think the only way to overcome this fear is start searching for love and making a plan for it...and then I'll work on the latter problem when I find it.

Be Here Now

I was reminded of the importance of living in the moment and being where you are when you are there. I have recently deeply hurt people because I get so worried about being other places and getting to those places while I should instead be with them. Most of that is poor planning on my part and selfishness, but I was grateful that my mother called it to my attention. I hadn't realized how much I had hurt her because of the mindsets I get in when I am at home. If I'm at home, I need to be home. If I'm at school, I need to be at school. If I plan something with a person, I need to be with them; not thinking about what I should or shouldn't be doing in that moment. Not every moment can be perfectly planned for, but time can be planned out enough that credit can be given where credit is due, and time dedicated to specific things allowing for less stress later when emergencies and beautiful spontaneity comes up. I think that's part of being honest. I feared that I wouldn't get the important things done; instead I missed out on the most important thing: Spending quality time with people that I love. To overcome that fear I need to plan more precisely and then not stress when things don't go as planned. Plan ahead to eliminate fear, but live in the moment, especially with the people I love.

Simple things

It's nice to enjoy the simple things in life. Like duets on the piano, laughter of your best friend, a trail run when you're not in shape, a beautiful sunset, good conversation, watermelon with cream, and taking out the recycling. Mhmmm.
Ya know, there's still a lot I don't know about life. I don't know what I'm passionate about yet, I don't know what I think about a lot of things, but I'm getting there. And I think that's important: I'm trying to get somewhere.
I will say, though, that I am grateful for the souls that are in my life currently (either physical or in current memory). They're full of light and joy and they're an inspiration to me. People are beautiful.  All sorts. I learn so much from them and I forget that people will always make my life meaningful and productive if I take time to listen and look.
My mind and body are connected today. No kite today. What a relief.
Today I feared people would encroach on my limited time. Today I realized that it's possible to take even 15 minutes for a person and it will make the world of difference. Today I feared I wouldn't be able to keep up on a run or it would be embarrassing. Today I realized that I need to start somewhere and that it takes hard work and discipline to get where I want to go, but also that people are good and kind; sometimes it's the presence of a person that is needed more than a fast pace.

Lentil Soup

It rained today. I had my purple jacket on again, but this time I had my hood up. It blocked my peripheral vision. I tried to see how the rain made things brighter. I waited to receive something, some light; I kept my hood up.
I burned some lentil stew. I'm in the library and I smell like it.
She is mad at me, now. And I know why. I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on finals anymore. So that's why I left and walked up to the library. It was speedy. I don't stretch anymore so my legs started to tighten going up the hill. I'd do yoga, but then I would see her and she would be more mad, and I have finals.
As I all but ran into the library, I realized that half of me was ahead of myself again like when it rained last time. My mind was screaming: stop, slow down, wait a sec.
I walked into the library.
I turned around and walked back out.
My mind was far ahead of my body again, but it was turning around to tell my body to slow down and stop. Maybe I'd get further if I tried to reel it in instead of chase it this time.
I walked into the square between the sky lights above the library. I stepped in every puddle. The raindrops formed little tear drops, little balls of light hanging off the benches. I wanted to sit, but I didn't want my bum to be wet. The steps behind me died off and held back. I was happy. I didn't want him there right then. I needed space and breathing room.
I appreciated he recognized it.
The light reminded me of the mountains in the winter: when the sun shone through the helicopter whirly-birds in the trees. But, those are memories for another time. Well, no; they'll probably just stay as memories. But they were definitely a time of enlightenment. Either way I guess the rain brought light again, just different than what I thought I needed. This time it reflected movement and the absence and importance of that absence as well.
I tried to listen to each puddle as I stepped. Breathe it all in. Breathe it all out. I realized the birds were singing. I stopped.  They were coming from behind me on the left. Breathe it all in. Breathe it all out.
I looked at the red and green of the bushes in front of me. Breath it all in. Breathe it all out. I looked at the distorted cloud reflections in the tall windows. Breathe it all in. There was snow in the mountains to the right. Out.
Listen. In. Look. Out.
In.
Out.
My mind's not quite back, but it's not shuddering in the wind and churning in the air. In. I have the string, the kite is in sight, my feet are grounded, out, the string is tight and I'm controlling the movement better and I'm more aware of the wind.
I'm ready. Steps fall back in line with mine In. But I still smell like burned lentil soup. Out.
I open the door to the library. In. Questions come. Out. I wrap my string up. In.
Where do you put a kite? Breathe it all out.
It's ok; I don't need it inside.

and what is this for?

I haven't written for awhile. Nothing you don't already know, but really it is something  you don't know because you don't read my blog. Then again, I don't really know who you are either. I was thinking about this blog the other day and I thought of some of the things I wrote, and oh boy how cliche and embarrassing! Nevertheless, it was part of my life even if I gag thinking about it now. I didn't know what I wanted this blog to be about for awhile, it was about fear and sharing things I think, then it became like a journal, then it was trying to force the world to see how great I thought my life was, then about a breakup I think and then a lame attempt at a food blog...of course that was only one haha. If I'm going to keep writing I need to have a purpose in writing though, not this rollercoaster of whatever this blog has been. I can be honest still if I have a purpose for this blog. I most likely will be more honest, I think. Well, my blog title is we grow. We grow what? A garden? We grow up? We grow fond of each other? We grow bitter? We grow together? We grow towards the sun? We grow old?  I'm not really sure maybe D) all of the above. I said I love being barefoot, but now I find any excuse to wear shoes. I like good and plenty candy: now that is still true, but I can't tell you the last time I ate it. Actually I can and it was at home a month ago and then I was mad about it because I had been trying to cut out sugar. I'm going to start letting go of the fear inside of me and this blog will help hopefully help me document it. Speaking of documenting, I love watching documentaries. I rarely watch them now, but can I suggest Wild China? I'm obsessed. and I think life is dang good. I don't know if I think life is dang good. At least the way I used to, but I do think it is good. I know I would be selfish and ungrateful if I didn't say it was good. And the more I think about it I think it's fair to say my life is dang good, but sometimes I even need convincing or reminding of that.
I skipped one.
I'm going to start letting go of the fear inside of me. I go through phases where I don't really even feel. I try to avoid feeling actually. So I need to start feeling again so I can let go of the fear inside of me.

Buddha believed that all forms of life experience suffering. The cause of suffering is attachment. To end suffering all attachments must be severed. You achieve non-attachment by following the 8 fold or middle path. Enlightenment is self discipline, meditation, and careful cutting off of attachments.
I think the key here is careful cutting off of attachments. In an attempt of self-preservation, I cut off any attachment:I cut off feeling. I think this is where the self discipline comes in: C.S. Lewis said that "without the aid of trained emotions the intellect is powerless..."
Wassily Kandinsky, the Russian artist, talks about the intellect and about songs in our souls. He first speaks of the songs:
"It fills us with surprise. We marvel at it. We would continue to hear it. But few are capable of holding themselves in the state listening to their own song. Intellectuality steps in and as the song within us is of the utmost sensitiveness, it retires in the presence of the cold, material intellect…Yet we live in the memory of these songs…They are the pinnacles of our experience and it is the desire to express these intimate sensations, this song from within…"
Living only within the intellect entails suffering as well. So I need to carefully cut off attachment to intellect and attachment to emotion and find the balance between the two.
I will still suffer, but "Passion: that which I suffer, allow, endure, to me is done." I will be alright. When I feel, I will fear, but I can overcome my fears through facing them. Facing my fears will make me suffer to some degree; however, I think that is how I learn to detach myself from them ultimately.